Inscrutable exhortations

I feel a tap on my shoulder. Trying to ignore it, I unwittingly give it even more of my attention, and then hear “shouldn’t you be producing something, shouldn’t you be creating something out of all this stuff you’re reading?” I immediately feel worse about what I’m doing. That tap again, and then: “shouldn’t you be feeling better about this? What’s the point of reading for fun if it’s not fun?” Aha, got you, I think to myself. You made me feel bad by asking why I’m not creating something, so you can’t turn around and ask why I’m not feeling better! Logic prevails, but then: “shouldn’t you do something a bit more productive than arguing with yourself?” Like talking to an Indian aunty brick wall, I mumble internally.

I wonder when we let this little monster climb onto our shoulder and whisper an endless series of questions into our ear. Is it elementary, middle, high school? Is it outside of school, an inevitable consequence of whatever status games we end up being surrounded with as a child? Or maybe the monster is always there, and it’s just a question of how much attention we pay to it. Regardless, it’s definitely not a creature of logic and so not something we can reason with – adjusting its volume is probably the best we can do, but probably not with conscious effort.

Since I quit my job on Oct 1 (coincidentally also my second wedding anniversary!), I have become more aware of the should-er and the different ways it shows up while I am trying to be maximally present and live my life. Another manifestation is the thing that is checking my current status – happy and content, or not – at any given moment. Over time, I hope to become more and more aware of these manifestations and trust that they will dissolve naturally, allowing me to participate and appreciate fully what is happening right now. I still think the single best life advice comes from Calvin & Hobbes:

the key word is inscrutable – it’s OK to not have a reason to want what you want

I want to use this space to write about whatever has caught my interest recently and share my thoughts with no theme or logical thread tying them together. If any dots are to be connected, the thread will have to flow backwards from the future as an exercise in narrative.

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So here’s a short poem and the video that inspired it, while I was out on a walk earlier this year on a cold windy day in Bloomington, Indiana. I was staying with my younger brother in his college apartment for a few weeks, driving him around while he recovered from shoulder surgery.

DUPONT Tyvek CommercialWrap

The paper on the side of the half open building furls and unfurls

Waves of air

An ocean of paper

Rattling and rattling.

Protecting an empty building

One with heavy machines still as tenants

And a few glass windows already completed to shed light on its nothingness.

Wood beams poking out

Like seaweed and driftwood and

On a finite sheet of paper making an infinitely diverse set of noises.

An instrument built as a byproduct, as a side effect.

How much of what we create is really a byproduct of life?

A song that's not the purpose of our work but the oily gunk left over that oozes out

Usually forgotten, usually undocumented,

A musical symphony usually attended by no one.

The cacophony rises

And a piece of the CommercialWrap looks like it’s about to rip off

But it goes on protecting

A buffer and a barrier and a coral reef against the elements,

Absorbing and singing

But never wavering.